The list below shows four responses for each situtation. They go in this order:
DANGEROUS - SAFER - SAFEST - ULTRA SAFE
1. Dinner
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some chocolate.
2. Clothes
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some chocolate
3. Temper
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some chocolate.
5. Food
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
Here, have some chocolate.
6. Day of rest
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more chocolate.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Rules
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the MALE knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
8. The female may change her mind at any time.
9. The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. Any attempt to document the rules could result in bodily harm.
15. If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.
16. The female is ready when she is ready.
17. The male must be ready at all times.
18. The male who doesn't abide by the rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the MALE knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
8. The female may change her mind at any time.
9. The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
13. The male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. Any attempt to document the rules could result in bodily harm.
15. If the female has PMS, all the rules are null and void.
16. The female is ready when she is ready.
17. The male must be ready at all times.
18. The male who doesn't abide by the rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
The various meanings of PMS
Thirteen being an auspicious number, here are thirteen different interpretations of PMS.
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Midsection
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Midsection
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Bra sizes
Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:
A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up....
A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up....
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet...
The Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest shivers with fear."
The Lion says, "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Then the Chicken says, "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
The Lion says, "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."
Then the Chicken says, "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
The princess and the frog
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't freakin' think so!"
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't freakin' think so!"
The new nursery rhymes
Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides,
And every time that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had a little blouse
'Twas old and torn to bits,
And every time she wore it
The boys could see her tits.
Mary had another skirt
Twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her clothes all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider that
crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a pieman
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men said,
"Fuck him, he's only an egg!”
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
With splits right up the sides,
And every time that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs.
She also had a little blouse
'Twas old and torn to bits,
And every time she wore it
The boys could see her tits.
Mary had another skirt
Twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her clothes all tattered and torn,
It wasn't the spider that
crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
Simple Simon met a pieman
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman to Simple Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men said,
"Fuck him, he's only an egg!”
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon,
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
Three little ducks
Three little ducks go into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Upgrade from boyfriend to husband...
Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.
Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.
Good Luck,
IT Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.
Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.
Good Luck,
IT Support
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